In the hallway

A dear friend and mentor recently said, "you're in a cocoon, Lindsay". 

I looked up exactly what happens when a caterpillar is in their cocoon and it's pretty intense! While they are there for anywhere from 5-21 days, they undergo a complete hormonal transformation. They dissolve most of their larval tissues as the body breaks down, but the special cell groups called imaginal discs remain. Using this liquid, they rebuild themselves into an adult and then, finally, emerge.  

As I think on it, theoretically, my friend is right. The last few months I have not written a blog - not because I had nothing to say, but because I have been going through a transformation that has taken all that I have. These last few months I have had to let go of a lot - a shedding of sorts. What remains are my values, music, love, people and my desire to create and be of service. Further, I have spent the energy I do have fortifying my physical, mental and spiritual health. These foundational elements are my "imaginal discs". And I'm rebuilding. 

I don't know how caterpillars feel, but I've got to tell you, the rebuilding part is amazing. There is an energy - a vibration - that I've never quiiiiiite felt before. Not like this. 

At the beginning, I noticed a familiar pull to push through the hard stuff and get to the "other side". I have been in versions of this place before, but this time I somehow know that if I rush here, I will miss the opportunity. Something is supposed to happen and in order for that "thing" to occur, I have to give it the time and space it needs. It will take anywhere between my version of 5-21 days but if I come out at 4, I'll be underdeveloped. 

So here I stay. Feeling, thinking, learning, growing, laughing and Remembering who I am. 

I recently heard a therapist describe this place as a hallway. The place you were in your life is the room behind you. You have left that room and either firmly closed that door, or perhaps left it ajar. If it was an unhealthy thing you were leaving, best to shut it tight. After you exit the door, you are in the space in between that moment and the thing you do next. The time you spend in the hallway now is crucial to your evolution and growth. If you run through the hallway and bust through the next door that you see, you might be inadvertently entering a space that isn't meant for you. Better to stay in the hallway until you can know and recognize which door around you is best to open and walk through. Maybe even, when you get there, it's a fully empty hallway and the door that is meant for you will only appear once you are ready. The thing that's of paramount importance is that you let yourself be in the in-between. Feel the discomfort. Sit in it. Get curious even if, and especially if it's hard and painful. Only after you have learned what you are meant to in the hallway should you advance, and be open to a new door. 

I think people too often run through the hallway, and I get it. It can be painful and scary to stay and wait, especially if there are mirrors around that you've been avoiding. But look we must. 

I'm happy to report that I freaking love my hallway. I am not afraid, but have managed to embrace it. I'm loving my time here and am delightfully surprised by what has made its way in. I know, for sure, that when I move into what's next, it'll be the version of me that has done the work in this hallway, and I love her so much already.